The Pizza Delivery Man Made Fun of Me Today

I had some friends and their kids over today. The law requires one to feed children on an almost daily basis, so we ordered pizza. Direct quote from the D*****s Pizza Delivery guy," I was thrown off because I saw that you still had your Christmas tree up, but then I saw all the kids and it all made sense."

"I like kids - I like my own kids, just not other people's."

That statement is great in theory, but not in real life. In real life, when you have kids of your own, other people's kids permeate your life regardless of your feelings about them. This begins even before your children are actually born. When Tom and I were pregnant with C, we were living in Germantown, a quiet area about 45 minutes outside of Bethesda where he was stationed at the Naval Hospital. He made friends with some other Hospital Corpsman whose wives were also due in April/May. We're best friends all of a sudden, discussing baby names and bottle vs. breast, picking out nursery colors and comparing baby bumps. Nevermind, that had we all not been pregnant, none of us would have given the other the time of day.

Then once C was born it's all play dates and park outings. It's having these women over for coffee so our babies can swap binkies and nap on each other's blankies (EWWWW). And this just continues on and on and on. More play dates and birthday parties and sleepovers. Making nice with parents and saying "Hi" to older siblings, just so my children can have friends too. Thankfully, I'm just a little bit better than this than my husband was. Not much, but, still, better.

Now, I still suffer through this with my youngest son, J. He's in second grade so I smile at the bus stop and buy Game Stop Gift Cards by the dozen (Spring and Fall are the worst for birthday parties. I try to smile over my coffee during Saturday soccer games. Ever since we moved to the new neighborhood, I don't fit in with the other moms. No husband, I don't yoga or jog, my usual company is my Dad or my baby sister, I don't own a designer dog - I do drive a mini van.
For a while, I thought I was in the clear with the girls. Yes, I meet their friends and boyfriends , but I don't really have to make nice with anyone. Lies, all lies. Because now they babysit. For a while C watched this little Hellion R who vibrated on my couch screaming for Dora - he ate carrots and counted to twelve in Spanish. And there's JM (whom I adore) that M watches on a fairly regular basis. She's bilingual (English/ Tagalog) and speaks very softly. She rarely smiles and she eats a lot of rice and ramen.

Fate Worse Than Death

School is out and I've been working a little bit more at my part-time retail gig (popular plus size store). We have our loyal customers - they love the fashion and fit and we rank as one of their favorite places to shop.
We also get a lot of new customers - the ones that feel they have to excuse their fatness. "I just had a baby." "I had surgery and now I can't fit into my size 10s." "I'm on a new medication and I've put on 20 lbs." They go on and on about how they've never been this or that size before but someone told them they just had to try this store. Some of the customers are so self-deprecating you would think they beat their dog or park in handicap spaces. I've always said there are worst things to be than fat - such as ugly or ignorant or stupid. For the most part, though, people believe obesity is a fate worse than death.
I would like someone just to come in and say, "I eat too much, I don't exercise and I'd like to buy some new clothes."

Kindness of Strangers

I sat in the orthodontist office the other day and listened in amazement as a First wife and Mom had a conversation with her sons' new (young and pregnant) stepmother. They seemed like best friends, exchanging antecdotes about the boys, horrifying birth stories, and thanking each other for the thoughtful Christmas gifts they had exchanged. The Mom even promised new Mom a gift of a housekeeping service once the baby is born.
One hears such horror stories about new wives and old wives that I was just tickled that sometimes it does work out. A little skeptical, but still..........

Last Christmas

Looking at my son put out cookies for Santa and setting out celery on the front steps for the reindeer, I realized that this is probably the last Christmas any of my kids will believe in Santa Claus. I know the arguments against letting your kids believe and I know the real meaning of Christmas, but there is just something so pure, so awesome about a little kid believing in Santa and reindeers and elves....I guess, it's the trusting innocence I'll miss.
These days, my girls are so surprised when something I suggest makes sense. Half the time things I say just circle around their heads in pretty little arcs waiting to be stored in the file marked "Mom - no damned idea what she's talking about". To them, I am an ATM and chauffeur and sometime maid and cook.
J still thinks I'm knowledgeable, although any questions about Star Wars are fielded to his Grandpa and Uncle R.

Amusing Articles and Such

1. "A Cougar Stole My Man" Cosmo Magazine
This one was especially funny. Young women going on and on about these older, tired women (one caked her make up on to look younger; one didn't dress hip enough) flirting with or stealing their men. Obviously, the old hags had something over these impossibly young, hot women.
2. "Hairy Chests are Hot Again" MSN.com
Yay! Men should have hair (not pelts, I'm not saying men should be part bear) - no man should wax or shave or otherwise diminish their chest hair. Opposites attract and all that. I don't want a man smoother than me. Otherwise, I would just date women.
3. "Large Rats Sniff Out Landmines" National Geographic
Genius. Some smart guy taught rats how to sniff out landmines. Apparently, dogs are messy and heavy (they end up tripping the land mines as they find them). The rats are easy to train, breed easily, and manage to smell the land mines without getting themselves blown up. Very green. Reusable rats versus disposable rats.
4. "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" I saw this on Discovery Health Channel.
No explanation needed. This was one incredulous hour of fun!


Disclaimer - the quotes aren't really quotes, more like paraphrases of what I could remember

I'm the man of the house.

We are a household of women with my eight year old son being the only male - the bonafide underdog. So, me, being the Mom, the older sister, the home owner - it is up to me to me take care of things. When a family of ants decided to move into our mailbox, larvae and all, I was the only one who would go near it. I had to retrieve the mail, spray and scoop out the remains (with my son shaking his head, "Mom, you killed the babies. They didn't even have a chance to live.") Not only did I have to kill the ants, but I had to feel guilty about it too.
When the AC started leaking and it rained in my house, I had to be the one to google "what to do when you have a ceiling leak and you don't want it to collaspe". I even got on the ladder and pinned the string to guide the water into the cooler I had set up to catch the water. What a waste. The ceiling still collasped.
I had to buy the lawn mower and the leaf blower and then I had to teach myself how to use them. I have to prune the trees and spray the Round Up.
It's not all bad though. I did get to paint my bedroom purple and I didn't have to set up the surround sound (even though the house is pre wired). And I can spend whatever I want on decor.